Everything Bothering Me Right Now

Bryan’s not the one.
My body
Why I’m always the outsider
I need to work in a group.
Why do I always have to do all the work?
This is the first time in my life I do not have a plan.
I don’t know where I’ll be working - if I’ll get a job - where I’ll be living. I can’t live with my mom after, I can’t let my family down like that.
I make dumb mistakes in relationships.
How I always think I’m not good enough.
That I’m not good enough.
That the reason I don’t have someone willing to move the world for me could be because I’m not friendly, smart, hardworking, etc. enough.
That I’m in debt.
That I have no money.
And I’m working all the time.
That I don’t care.
That I don’t have a plan.
That I can’t do everything.
That I’m always fighting against something.
Why didn’t I network better/sooner?
I need to balance work, finding work, wellness and rest.
Bryan’s not the one.
Bryan’s not the one.
Bryan’s not the one.
And he’s coming here next week.
He hopes he will change my mind.
But I’m a sucker for affection.
That I don’t have any stamps.
That wanting to be on my own sounds like a terrible thing to do, and sounds terribly anti-social.
That I have to move somewhere soon…
That I don’t know when my BOLC date is.
That I still haven’t e-mailed Sandman.
That I have no more wine.
That I spent way more on gifts than was given to me/spent on me.
That I care about the above.
That I don’t have real snowboots.
That I hate leaving the house/it’s hard to go to work and school.
That my sewing kit came without needles and I still have holes in my pockets.
That I’m still awake.

I’m happy my grandparents sent me a Valentine. And $20.

Engagement

This was a dream I had two years ago, from the perspective of the man:

“When do you expect us to be engaged?” I asked, lying in bed with her.

She shifted her head from my chest to look me in the eyes. Her gaze shifted downwards and an idle finger traced my chest.

“Not for a long while.” She said.

“And why’s that?” I said, somewhat hurt and confused.

Her eyes began to well and she bit and released her lip, focusing hard on my chest so she wouldn’t have to meet my face.

“I must be absolutely sure my children will not have to suffer like I did when I was young. There was another woman. He left her.”

And a hot tear fell from her face, raced down my cheek and soaked into the sheets. I that moment I understood a great loss and deep fear she had that I had never had the innocent misfortune to experience.