I have a mental image of the kind of place I want to live, job to have. These things are becoming more and more important as graduation nears, I realize that I will be trusted by people, companies, and that at some point I will see myself as an adult.
Does anyone see themselves as a full adult? Does anyone ever reach a point in their lives when they can feel comfortable in saying that they know how to handle everything? Of the many preconceptions I have in my mind, one of them is that everything we are working towards, all the schooling, relationship-building, workingworkingworking, we will eventually reach a eureka type of state. Yes. Everything makes sense now.
Other notions I’ve had have been that my family was almost ideal. That somehow my grandparents and relatives fit the mold, that they didn;t really have any flaws or imperfections. It wasn’t until I was 17 I realized that this is very untrue. I know that my thought of when I finally get X job or have X house that everything will make sense. It won’t. I know it won’t. But I still feel it will. Why is that?
I think about my life up until now. I’ve been in school, am still in school, soon to move along further onto a track of normalcy: to get a job. Sometimes I wonder if I am embracing life enough. What if this is my last day on earth? Will I be satisfied saying that I have spent most of my time working towards a degree? While a noble and realistic answer would be Yes, I feel that if I was to die and all I could say was that up to this point I am just in school and haven’t done much else, I wouldn’t be happy with that answer. What am I supposed to do about that? How does one live life to the fullest exactly?
On the subject of jobs, since I was sick today and took the time to do almost nothing academically productive, I started thinking about jobs, reaching that undergrad goal. How do people get other people to hire them anyway? Yes I did attend college and have a degree, I still don’t know anything. I don’t know anything. My projects were just mere exercises to teach skills. I am only happy with 25% of them. How can I even impress people this these things when I myself am not? I’m just a student. I haven’t done anything. Why would someone invest in me to do a lot of somethings?
My mother tells me that I have very high expectations for myself. I got an award recently for something in ROTC, great, but in my mind, not good enough. I finish a project, okay, but not good enough. Are my expectations of myself getting in the way of seeing myself as a future valuable asset to a company, to people? I worked hard to get into the school I’m in now. My GPA is decent, I’ve made good connections. Will all of that mean anything? Is anything ever good enough or is there a point when you just say “I tried, here it is.” I will be putting my portfolio together over Christmas break to get ready to send to companies in hopes of getting an internship. During this process I am going to have to look at all my projects and make them appear dazzling, when I myself do not believe that they are. I suppose I should start convincing myself they are if I ever want to convince anyone that I can do a decent job…
When I get a job, I will probably move to a place where I don’t know a single soul. I like being alone most of the time, but not in that way. I will need a dog to keep me from feeling lonely. They will keep my from buying things from my Amazon wishlist like I did today. Impulses. Sometimes I just like to buy things because I know there are other things missing from my life, or I just feel like they are. I don’t buy big things, just small things like stencils, water color pencils, headphones, a book, coffee….
I probably also wanted to buy things because today brought on a lot of emotion. Last night I was asked if I wanted anything from the store. Yes, I needed a few cans of soup because I was feeling very bad, started a cold and could barely talk all weekend at our Army training in the woods. They return an hour and a half later without my soup. I reply in a croaky voice that it’s okay. At the moment I didn’t think much of it because I ordered chicken noodle soup from this asian place to replace my mother’s. It didn’t, but I was content to have something hot to eat.
It wasn’t until this morning when I felt deathly ill I dragged myself to the convienence store and saw the prices of canned soup. $2.00. Going on the verge of monetary rape. I call my mom to ask if I should buy some Robitussin. I begin to feel alone and tear up. My mom isn’t here to take care of me. I have no one who will stroke my forehead and sit on the side of my bed and tell me to rest. My friend can’t remember to get me soup even though she knows that all weekend I was getting sicker, and didn’t offer to go out and get some after she forgot.
I go to checkout. Lady asks me if I want to donate a dollar to Meals on Wheels. I croak “No.” I look at my total, over $10 for 5 cans of soup. I call her out on the price, “I said I didn’t want to donate (you’re already raping this sick college student of prices of soup.)” She tries to cancel it. It cancels. Tries to ring up again. Takes forever. She asks if I have cash to pay. I don’t. She apologizes again and says she can’t finish the transaction. I am incredulous. “Can’t you use the other line?” She says it’d be just as slow. By now I am crying, frustrated and sad. I throw my hands up in the air and walk out the door, passing by my peers in my most disgusting state, crying. Why is this so hard? Why am I alone? Where is my mother. Why am I not in a relationship with a nice boy who will stop by and bring me soup? Take time out of his day to the doctor with me? I suppose I could settle if I really wanted that. But I’m not one for settling anymore. How dare that lady not sell me the frickin soup! Couldn’t she tell I was dying! I can’t handle this. What will it be like when I live in a city where I know no one? I have no food. My nose is running and I’m coughing. I want someone to be with me. I just want to be alone.
Eventually I went to the doctor, finally bought soup and an even more exorbitant price of $2.39/can, slept, talked to my mom and ate more soup, watched one of my favorite movies, Elizabethtown. Orlando Bloom is so attractive in that movie. Made me think of my father. The character Orlando plays wasn’t able to cherish in in the last few years of his life. I will not be able to cherish mine at all except for the few 8 years I knew him. Or thought I did. Another part missing. A part that will never give me what I needed. I think about if I am ever in a serious relationship and my boyfriend meets my brother. What will my brother’s expectations of him be? Will be expect a friend or someone of older age to fill a miniscule gap left by my father? It is impossible for me to think right now that I could be married. I am amazed that most people get married at all. Think about it. Most people in their lives find someone who they’re willing to say “Hey, I’ll marry you.” Most people.